Dear Kurt
by Ches Green
Summary: Blaine struggles with the loss of his husband, and finds writing letters too be his only comfort.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Kurt,

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write. I know I promised you I'd write the first day. But I just couldn't do it. In all honesty I don't know where these last 3 weeks have gone. Or where I was for the majority of them. Jackson has only just stopped calling me a zombie, apparently I haven't quite been myself. I'm so sorry. I'm letting you down.

I miss you so much. People keep telling me that things will get better, that I will feel better over time. But I highly doubt that. Time and I aren't friends right now.

There was supposed to be _more time. _

A few years, the doctor said. A few _years._ Not a few months. 3 months, 12 days, 17 hours and 23 minutes, too be precise. Why did you have to leave me so soon?

Not that I blame you. I'm sorry. I'm not writing my first letter too you very well. I hope that you can forgive me. I'm finding this hard, Kurt. I want to ask you what to write. But then I remember I can't, and it hits me again. You're gone. Taken from me. Taken from Jackson. Taken too soon.

I really miss you baby.

Please guide me. I want to do right by Jackson, bring him up just like you planned, without my "devil ways" as I remember you calling them. Oh yeah, I remember that. Can't get away from it just because you're... you're...

Oh god Kurt you're really gone.

I can't do this on my own. I need you. I need you here to make me laugh, and put plasters on the cuts Jackson and I get skateboard into the pool, and cuddle me at night.

Night time is the worst. I'm so cold without you too snuggle with. Sometimes it feels like you're still here. I rest my head on your pillow and I can still smell you. I just lay there, breathing in your scent, and hoping this is all a dream.

I'm going to try my best to make you proud baby. I promise. And I'm going to write too you every day. Every single day of forever. Just like I promised. Jackson wants to write to you too. I said I'd help him one day. He's still struggling to understand what has happened. He asked me when you're coming home from the hospital, and when I told him you weren't, it was as if he didn't even understand that you weren't with us anymore. I think he understands it now. Every now and then I'll catch him in our bed, his head laying on your pillow in the same way mine does. Sometimes we lay there together. "I miss daddy" he'll say, and I try so hard not to cry, Kurt, I really do.

I would give anything to have you back here with me. Too see your beautiful face just one more time. But I suppose all I can do is pray that you are happy. And tell you how much I love you.

I'll never forget you Kurt.

Speak to you tomorrow sweetheart.

Goodnight for now,

Blaine

xxxx


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Kurt,

I heard your voice today. You asked me to play your lullaby. I tried baby, I tried, but I'm not strong enough to do that yet. Hearing your voice threw me off course for the day. I forgot to pick Jackson up from school. I dropped the milk as I was making coffee. It's silly, I know. But it really felt like you were here.

The piano's beginning to collect dust now. I know you'd be mad at me for that. Jackson's mad at me for that. I told him that if he tells me to clean it one more time, that the tickle monster will have to make an appearance. Obviously that deterred him. Although he knows I'll never be as good at the tickle monster as you. Bless him. He's getting on better at school now. Mrs. Thindle says he's talking a lot more, and I've noticed that he seems happier to leave the house now. The first week we stayed in bed together the whole time. We cuddled and we cried, well, I did most of the crying. But we didn't want to leave that room, leave your smell and your things.

I'm sorry, I keep going off course. The piano, yes. I want to play. I'd love nothing more than to sit down and play your lullaby, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's pure white paintwork reminds me of you too much, it reminds me of all the arguments we had about the colour of it. You wanting white, and of course I wanted red. "It will clash with the decor!" I remember you arguing. We both knew that one cute, pleading face from you and I would give in. Right now I'm so glad I did. Remembering you hurts right now, it hurts so bad. But one day it won't hurt as much, and I know this piano will be the place I go to remember you most.

I can't concentrate. You know I play bad when I concentrate. I don't want to play your lullaby and mess up. I don't want to disappoint you.

I promise to try again soon. But don't think that I'm forgetting you, I could never forget you. I could NEVER forget you.

I wish I could have taken your place. Through all the treatment, the medicines, the illness taking over. I longed for the day that I would wake up and it was all a dream. You'd never gotten ill. You'd never made the decision to refuse that final treatment. I know it would have worked this time. And I know you were weak. But I wish you hadn't left me.

I'm so sorry. I don't blame you. And I feel so guilty for making your final hours difficult. We shouldn't have been arguing. I should have been by your side, holding you hand.

I just hope you can forgive me one day.

I love you Kurt. I always will.

Blaine

xxxx


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Kurt,

The silliest little thing keeps throwing me off course. Doing the washing led me to find your systematic instructions taped to the dryer. I still don't know why you wouldn't let me get that fixed. I'm not quite able to understand _'Turn red dial 3 to the left, then blue 4 to the right, hit the bottom brown panel and lift dial'. _Surely it would be easier to get it fixed baby?

But of course, I now can't bring myself to phone the repair man. Your handwriting is so delicate, the curly little letters linking together so beautifully. I know you'd tell me I'm being stupid; it's just a piece of paper. Not too me Kurt, to me it's one of my last pieces of you.

I'm saving anything that I can. Every single little thing that reminds me of you. Even your doctors notes. The clothes you were wearing that night. A spoon. I've even kept a spoon. I bet you're laughing right now. I bet you're remembering making the coffee, right before you collapsed. Stirring the spoon, laughing at me worrying about you. We'd been arguing. Like we had been every day for the past fortnight. That moment will be forever in my mind.. The last time I ever saw your beautiful smile. I just wish that I hadn't walked out of the room when you were annoying me. I wish I'd seen you falling. The doctors say it wouldn't have made a difference. But I can't quite bring myself to believe that.

Promising to never forget you was wrong of me, Kurt. I'm so scared that one day I just won't be able to remember you anymore. Maybe when your smells wares off your pillow. Perhaps when I'm ninety and Alzheimer's kicks in. I don't care when it is, it's going to happen. And it's the scariest thought I've ever had. If I forget you, forget every ounce of happiness that you gave me, I'll feel like I'm letting you down. You fought so hard to live just that little bit longer, to give Jackson and I more time with you. I know it should have been so much more time, but you still tried your hardest. And if I forget you one day, it'll all seem like you wasted your time. You suffered for me, and I won't even be able to appreciate those last days with you.

I never want to forget you. That's why I'm making my Kurt Box. Every time I find something that reminds me of you, I put it in the box. Then when I start to miss you, or Jackson asks a question about you, I can look at all those things, and it gives me comfort. It makes me feel closer to you again.

And that's all I want, to feel close to you. To hold you in my arms just one more time and tell you I love you.

I hear your voice a lot now. You're currently telling me to stop dwelling on the past. I'm sorry Kurt. I know you wanted these letters to be positive. I promise from now on I will focus on the positive as much as I can.

But I'm not going to stop telling you how much I miss you.

Never.

I love you Kurt. I hope you're okay wherever you are. And I hope that the decor wasn't too bad, although I'm sure you will have changed all that by now. My crazy little interior designer nazi.

Until next time, my love.

Blaine

xxxx


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Daddy,

I miss you. Papa keeps getting sad all the time and it makes me sad. I wish you were here too make him smile. I hear him say to himself 'Blaine pull yourself together' a lot. I don't know what he means, but he sounds real sad.

We went to the park today. It's the first time since you left. Papa hasn't been happy enough to go to the park so I had to wait until he felt better. He played on the slide with me like you used too. But it's not the same. He didn't hide at the bottom and jump out like you. I'll have to try and teach him.

We're okay. But we miss you so much.

Please come back daddy.

I want to cuddle in bed with you and Papa. Like we always do. And have ice cream for breakfast like on my birthday.

I'm 5 now daddy. My birthday was last week. Papa says 5 is big and grown up. But I think it's only small. We had a party, just me and Papa. We dressed up like pirates and watched tv all day in bed. You would have liked it.

It makes me sad when I remember you're not here no more. But Papa says you're not hurting anymore. And that you had something called Cancer which is like a big mean bug that hurts you. I'm sorry you hurt daddy. But I'm happy you don't hurt now, but I do still miss you.

I tell you I love you every day before I go to bed. Me and Papa pray that you're okay before I go to sleep. I hope it works.

I have to go have a bath now.

I promise I'll write again.

I love you daddy.

Jackson

Xxxx

Hey Kurt,

I'm about to supervise Jackson's bath (you know what he's like with water), but I just wanted to drop in and say hi. I'm sorry I haven't written today, but it's taken ages for me to write Jackson's for him. He kept changing his mind about what to write because he didn't want to make you sad. He's so much like you. And I love you both.

I'll write tomorrow.

I love you baby

xxxx


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Kurt

Not a single day goes by when I don't think of you. But I'm trying not to be sad anymore. Positive topics are the way forward. Such as Jackson's upcoming Show & Tell.

Of all the toys or paintings he could have taken, even you would be surprised at what he chose. Harold, the garden worm, is centre of attention on the red cushion you used to keep your moisturiser on. Remember, that one I got you as a joke for your birthday? Because you care so much about your skin, that you use the most expensive moisturiser known to man. I seriously think that there should at least be some gold or diamonds in it.

Fear not, your moisturiser is still safe. And perhaps a smidgen of it jumped out of the pot and onto my face. And perhaps my face also liked it. However, I would deny this if anyone mentioned it, of course. You always were the woman, dear.

But as for the cushion, it is now Harold's home. I just hope Harold can make it through Show & Tell. If we're lucky, it won't end the same way as last time when Jackson took in the cookies he baked, and Timmy Jones won't eat him. One would assume that when something is as shrivelled and gross as a worm, no-one would think to eat it. But with Timmy, you just can't ever tell.

I started back at work yesterday. First on the agenda has to be finding a new designer. I've never been good at designing the clothes, hence why it was always your job. I am, and always will be the business mind of the company. But as much as it saddens me, we do need a new creative mind.

I don't like the thought of replacing you. Yet I know that you would be screwing your face up in disgust if I tried to design our new range of piped jeans.

I'll let you know how the interviews go. I know you'd want to know they're name and what they wore to the interview. Perhaps I will draw him and attach it to the letter.

I hope you liked the flowers. White roses were always your favourite. Your grave was still rather busy and overflowing with flowers. I'll always bring your roses though. Every week.

Oh, and Jackson hopes you like the purple dinosaur. He made it at school last week and has been bugging me to take it with is when we come visit you. He sure does talk to you a lot. I barely get a chance to get a word in.

Tomorrow will be busy. I've got parents evening, and an early start at work. I'll write to you when I'm home and tell you all about it.

Stay safe, my love.

And please keep guiding me. I need you.

Love you forever

Blaine

xxx


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Kurt,

I hope you're thinking of me baby. Cos I think about you every day.

I wish there was a way that you could let me know you're okay. It's what I worry about the most, the thought that you're unhappy, or lonely, or lost.

Sometimes I think you've sent me a sign. The blackbird wearing a little hat, that keeps sitting on the windowsill. The mailman delivering handwritten notes in writing I definitely recognise. But then I wake up. And there are no signs to be found in the real world.

I wonder if perhaps you're forgetting me. Are you even able to remember any of your previous life?

Part of me wishes you're not able too. Just because I don't want your memories to be of when you were sick. I want you to remember the best times. Like the day we decided to adopt Jackson. Or the day we got married.

I'll never forget any of that. And I try to push the images of you lying in hospital to the back of my mind. I refuse to let anything replace the image of you walking down the aisle to greet me with your beautiful smile.

I'm sorry Kurt. I'm sorry that I keep talking about the past. But all of this just doesn't seem real. How can you be gone? How?

I wish I was with you. I'd give up everything to be with you.

Don't hate me for saying that.

It's only because I love you so much.

You are my whole world. My sunshine, my moonlight, my everything.

Kurt, I just can't explain what this is doing to me.

I'm falling apart inside.

You've got to help me Kurt.

Please.

x


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Kurt,

People are so wary about using the 'C' word around me. I don't understand it. You were the one who refused to address it how it was. I remember Jackson asking you what was wrong and you telling him there's a mean bug monster in you making you sick. The day I told him that you had cancer his expression seemed relieved. As if he knew you were keeping the truth from him and he now felt some form of comfort in the truth.

Your dad hates the word too. I bumped into him at the store a few days ago, and he had already bumped into an old friend, Trevor. I don't know if you knew him, but I'd never seen him before. Trevor asked after you and your dad sort of froze up. "He's ermm, not with us anymore" he answered looking nervous. When Trevor then gave his apologies and asked what happened, I could see your dad wasn't going to be able to say it. He tried, bless him. "He... he... he died of, of, c...c..." he began, as I saw tears in his eyes. "He died of cancer" I answered for him, and then introduced myself properly. You're dad looked at me gratefully as he wiped the corner of his eyes.

I'm always so proud to tell someone that you were my husband. Of course I'm sad, considering I'm mostly saying hello after being introduced as a widower after you died. However, I never fail to smile and say "yeah I'm Kurt's husband", and agree when they tell me that you were a wonderful man.

Everyone loves Jackson, but of course you know that. He's a perfect little piece of you. Everyone you knew that I go on to meet, every single one of them, they tell me just how much like you he is. Sometimes it makes me feel like you're not gone. I mean, how could you be gone when the mini you is still here? But I really do have to accept that you aren't going to come back too me.

It's like a bad break-up of sorts. You're gone and I wish you weren't and I'm falling apart.

Except this isn't a film and you're not going to come back to me once you realise how much you miss me.

I do hope you miss me Kurt.

Urgh, I've done it again. I've spent a whole letter talking about sad and random things. I'm so sorry.

I guess I'm not cut out for this whole writing thing.

I'm going to try to get better Kurt, I promise.

I won't let you down.

I love you baby. You are the reason I wake up every morning. Just the thought of you watching over me is enough to help me go on.

I'll write again tomorrow.

I love you.

xxxx


	8. Chapter 8

_**Author's Note: Hi guys! I'm really sorry that I haven't written in a while. I initially planned this fic to be a 'One Letter Every Day' kind of thing, but things unfortunately got in the way. So I'm gonna try update as soon as possible and a lot more often from now on. I promise. **_

_**Thank you all for being patient, and for reading. I hope you are enjoying the fic. **_

_**Don't forget to review! **_

_**Enjoy. **_

_**Ches.**_

Dear Kurt,

Good morning, sweetheart. It's been forever, I know. Don't yell at me for that. And don't roll your eyes at me either. I know you too well, even when you're not right here next to me.

I've been real busy recently. Never have I been so grateful to have such a full schedule. Every minute that I should get to myself is filled with extra rehearsal, or reading to Thomas. It keeps my thoughts from drifting back to you. The bad thoughts, that is. I still always make time to remember you properly. But I keep trying to ignore the bad thoughts, the memories of you being ill. I feel like you're guiding me. I asked you for help and you're giving it to me in the form of one extra crammed in schedule. Thank you baby, you always did look after me so well.

How are you? I never ask you this enough. I hope you're okay. I hope you're happy baby. That's the most important thing to me, that you're happy wherever you are now. Have you tracked down any of your idols yet? It's the kind of thing I would expect you to do! Haha. I'm still funny, encase you wondered.

Jackson is top of his class. In _GYM_. I have no idea where he got that from. It certainly wasn't you. I didn't even realise they did Gym before High School these days.

I'm nearly finished reading that book you were always trying to get me to read. It's not great honey, not gonna lie about it. You said it took ages to 'get into it', but I'm 50 pages from the end and have yet to enjoy it. The cover is pretty, does that count? Lilac is such a lovely colour. Okay, I'll quit the sarcasm before you get all sarcastic with me. Sorry. I might read it again and try to understand the 'depth' of it. Or I might just toss it in the trash. Whichever I feel like at the time.

Wow, my letter is so interesting today. I guess there's not really a lot to report. I wish I had a nice interesting story to tell you, but alas, I don't. Hmmmm. Oooh, I know:

Jackson got abducted by aliens, but they brought him back after an hour because he wouldn't stop singing songs from Rent.

Ahahaha, see. I am SO FUNNY. The Rent bit's true though, he won't stop. I blame you entirely.

I guess that's it for now baby. I promise to write again when there's something more exciting going on in my life. Truth is, it's all really quiet round here without you and this makes me really sad.

Sweet dreams Kurt.

I love you.


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Kurt,

My Aunt Ruby, she, she's sick now too. Hers is in her lungs. The doctor said it's not as progressed as yours was, which means that she should be okay. But she looks just like you did. I can't shake the image of her pale white skin and frail body walking to the X-Ray room. They think she's broken a few ribs from all the coughing.

It just brings back the bad memories again, all the ones of when you were sick. And as much as I hate myself for it, I can't help but wonder why she gets to live and you didn't. I've never seen anyone fight so hard to survive as you did Kurt. Every waking moment you spent trying to get better, the physiotherapy, everything you did. I knew you were in so much pain, but I understood that you weren't ready to give up. The day I came to take you to your exercise class and you said no, that was the day I knew you'd given up. You'd let your cancer win. As I fought back the tears I knew I had to hold it together. I couldn't be mad at you after all you'd done. There was no getting better for you. I will just never forget the pain in your eyes. "Not today Blaine" you'd murmured through gritted teeth. I knew you were hurting. But you were hurting inside too. You wouldn't even look at me Kurt.

That day, that moment, it broke my heart.

And I haven't been able to fix it since.

Jackson told me to tell you he misses you. He said I had to give you this worm he found too. But luckily I convinced him to put it back in the garden. I told him that you miss him too. "Of course" he replied. He's smug, just like you. He gave my Aunt Ruby all your old pamphlets today at the hospital. He told her that they have to save someone, and although it didn't work for you it will work for her. The one about healthy eating and 'cancer fighting veg', he read it to her as much as he could, telling her all about broccoli. Ruby had tears in her eyes, just as I did. "Kurt was so lucky to have you", she said. But I think it's the other way round.

We sang to her in the evening. The same song that I used to sing to you. It's Jackson's favourite song now.

_Stay with me_

_Don't fall asleep too soon_

_The angels can wait for a moment_

I wish they could have waited just a little while longer Kurt.

I miss you and I love you baby.

Blaine.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Oh my goodness! How has it been so long since I updated? RIDICULOUS. Sorry to the few people who have been following this fic from the beginning. **_

_**Hope you enjoy the next few chapters **_

_**Love Ches 3 **_

Dear Kurt,

I need some guidance baby. I need your help.

Jackson and I went to visit Aunt Ruby in the hospital again today, she's getting much better and is eating on her own again now. It's such great news, I just wish that had been the news they'd given me about you too.

While we were there, Aunt Ruby's neighbour, Mary, came to visit with her son. She left a beautiful gift basket, it reminded me of the one that Burt and Carol got for you, full of magazines and flowers and the odd chocolate bar. I've never met her son before. He's called Rob and he seems nice. Mary offered to take Jackson to get a hot chocolate while we had a chat. She said that she thought Rob could help in some way with my grief.

I didn't quite expect what she had actually meant.

Rob and I chatted for a while. He explained that Aunt Ruby had been his child minder when he was younger, and that Aunt Ruby and Mary had always been best friends. I had no idea. He told me that Mary had rejected him when he first came out, but Aunt Ruby took him in for a year, until Mary came to her senses.

Then, he asked me out.

It felt super uncomfortable, and I wanted to just say no straight away, but something inside me told me not to. I told him maybe, and took his number.

He looks a little like you, but not much. And I don't know him much. And you've not been gone long, Kurt.

I don't know what to do.

I think I'm going to say yes, but not as a date. Just friends. I'm just not ready to move on yet honey, I can't let you go.

Please guide me, Kurt. Help me to have the strength to move on one day.

I love you so much, even now.

Blaine

xxxx


	11. Chapter 11

_**Heya guys! Thanks so much for all the positive feedback on here and on Tumblr. It means a lot to me that some people actually follow this story, I wasn't sure where it was going or whether it was worth carrying on, but now I think I shall. **_

_**I hope you enjoy this chapter. And if you're lucky, I might update twice today xD**_

_**Love Ches. **_

Dear Kurt,

Today has done nothing but make me miss you more. More than I thought I ever could. Rob and I met for coffee, as friends, and it just made me feel unbelievably guilty. I didn't want anything to happen, although he clearly wanted to ask me out again, but I just felt so bad. I felt like I was letting you down, Kurt, like I was rubbing it in your face that my life will go on and yours won't.

I was quite rude to Rob too, although I did text and apoligse after. He wanted to get to know me, but it didn't feel right.

You were the only one who truly knew me. But that was okay, because you were my Kurt. I just can't have anyone getting to close right now.

God, Kurt, I miss you so freaking much. I wish you were here with me now, waiting for Jackson's cake to bake and fighting your way through the piles of washing with me. I still never pick up after myself, getting a maid was the best idea I ever had. But she smells funny, and puts things in the wrong places. I'd much rather have you nagging me for 3 days to pick up my towels than I would spending 3 days actually trying to find them.

Jackson wanted me to tell you all about his new classmate. He's called Kurt too, and it confused him a little a first. Bless the poor boy, he was convinced that you'd come back as this little boy, reincarnated I suppose. I got him to understand eventually that you weren't coming back. It broke my heart just that little bit more. I've never said it aloud, never admitted that I'm alone now.

Please Kurt, just come back to me.

Please.

I love you.


	12. Chapter 12

_**Hello readers! So sorry for not updating twice the other day like I said. I was about to start this chapter but then someone turned up at my house. How rude! xD **_

_**And since then I've had a NASTY tooth extraction and I've been writhing around in pain for so long. I'm sorry! **_

_**But here we go. Next chapter. I'm getting kinda stuck with this story if I'm completely honest. I'm not sure how many more chapter there will be, although I'm equally unsure as to how I would end this story. So alas, I cannot win. **_

_**Hope for some inspiration to come my way guys! :/**_

_**Love Ches **_

Dear Kurt,

I wrote a song today. A whole song. I just sat at the piano while Jackson was at school, and thought about you for a long time.

Then the words, they just came to me. I wrote a whole song in an hour, and spent the rest of the day playing it over and over. I caught Jackson singing it to himself this evening at dinner. He said he likes it because it reminds him of you. It's kinda about you, I guess. It's about this one great thing you have in your life that makes everything worthwhile, and the inspiration to carry on even after it's gone. You were my one great thing Kurt, you always will be.

Thank you, baby. I really needed that push to start playing properly again.

Jackson's piano lessons are going as well as can be expected. I can't believe you insisted on him starting so young! If I have to listen to a 'special' version of Three Blind Mice one time, I may cry. I hope he'll be like you one day, and find his voice. Can't have him being better at playing the piano than me now, can we?

I've got a job interview next Wednesday, I'm kinda nervous. It's for a post at one of the other school in the area, teaching kids just a bit older than Jackson. Music teacher. Of course.

Please guide me in my interview, I need you! Don't let me say anything stupid of stutter everywhere like the last time. That was too soon, after, after you had gone. But I feel confident now.

I can do this.

Jackson keeps making me play pretend interview with him, but somehow I doubt the board will be asking me if I prefer jelly or ice cream, and why. All I can do is try my hardest to make you proud. You could always put in a good word with the big G up there? Thanks baby.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you that I have failed you! Your beautiful roses in the front garden, they are kinda dead. I'm so sorry, Kurt. I tried! It made me sad at first, it felt like another piece of you had left me. But after a while I found the funny side. I can't believe you ever thought I could keep roses alive. I killed a cactus, if you remember? A _cactus. _I didn't think that was humanly possible. Clearly these piano playing fingers are not green. Jackson found it hilarious of course. He kept some of the petals and we've made potpourri out of them. Lavender, your favourite, to help us sleep at night and dream of you.

Not that I need any help to dream of you. You are with me in my dreams every night.

Waking up seems more like the nightmare sometimes.

I love you Kurt.

I miss you more than I thought I could. I miss walking up next to you, and I hate that I can only dream of you now.

But I look forward to seeing you in my dreams tonight.

Goodnight, Kurt. I love you.

Blaine

xxxx


	13. Chapter 13

_**Hey guys, sorry again about the long delay between chapters. Moving house, starting university and a medical scare kinda threw me off balance for a while. I've been planning this chapter for a while now, so please forgive me if it's not great – I'm a little rusty. P.S. Sorry it's so short. **_

_**Thanks for reading **___

_**Ches **_

Dear Kurt,

Baby I'm so sorry.

I know that doesn't help. I know that you're hurting right now, wherever you are.

We were running late for Jackson's piano lesson, and I've been so stressed already at this new job, I just took my eyes off of him for a second. Literally one second.

Oh god, who am I kidding? This is all my fault. I know you wouldn't forgive me if you were still here. But to be honest, I think my self-loathing is all I can take right now.

It's been 2 weeks now since the accident. I went to court this morning to hear the verdict: Death By Dangerous Driving. The driver was drunk, but I know that doesn't make a difference, I still took my eyes off him.

I am so, so sorry Kurt. So very sorry.

Jackson was such a beautiful little boy, the best son I could ever have. His death has hit me pretty hard, Kurt, what with you being gone too. Part of me is comforted though, knowing that you're up there looking after him. I wouldn't want him to be alone.

I will never forgive myself for what happened, and I have to live every day replaying the image over and over again. I don't know what to do. But I don't feel worthy of asking you for comfort. I promised I would look after Jackson, that was the ONE THING I promised, and I broke that promise.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I miss you both so much, Kurt. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I need you.

I'm sorry.

Take care of each other, I love you.

Blaine.


End file.
